Feelings
Honor where you are
respect your true spirit house
it swirls inside you
So I’ve played music with Boi and group now on four occasions. The first occasion I wrote about, and a bit of the second was recorded for your enjoyment and information. Last night was the fourth. From the excitement and energy of the reunion first gig to last night’s jam I’m experiencing a slide over the emotional spectrum into sadness, and, I realized after my morning beach walk today, grief.
Context: alcohol, now weed openly sold and consumed (its legal status isn’t entirely clear yet?), cigarettes, more alcohol….I’m talking hard core alcoholism as a normal part of many people’s lives, including Boi, so that slurred speech, brain fog and sometimes a near inability to stand up securely, along with the suppressed energy of meaninglessness and depression and escapism is common and pervasive (this is my perception, sense, and interpretation; perhaps those involved would not agree). This is where the music happens, and these are the folks who, for the most part, come to hear it. I do believe I may be the only person on the scene who isn’t imbibing at all, or I may have one beer during a sweaty 2 or 3 hour time period in which others are getting routinely blitzed. Typical bar scene, Nancy will tell you from experience, which has never been my scene.
Expats and Thais alike.
There’s always a subtle tension between Boi and I, and his wife Oom, both of whom are drinkers, for me to hang out with them after the music ends and have something to drink. Free of course. Usually I’m drinking soda with lime. I left last night, as I usually do, after the music, and after having hung out during our break between sets with the drinking crowd. They know by now I’m not a drinker, but that old friendly effort to get you on board just can’t be given up.
I got my wires crossed
past and present all tangled
breathe deep into now
So I left and drove home feeling sad, and musically frustrated too, partly because the drummer isn’t very good, and I’m hankering to play drums, but I wouldn’t want to ask to sit in and clearly show him up (one must not be made to lose face….), and I know from my experience of previous years that when I’m at the kit I push Boi and our previous band into a higher orbit than they would otherwise be in, and I’m also getting the feeling that maybe that higher orbit isn’t particularly missed or wanted, and that a more mediocre level of play is just fine, so that no one is expected to perform too well, it’s just a jam, after all (and Boi and the bass player, both of whom are usually pretty good, are loaded). I’m no virtuoso harp player either, so on some level it all fits together.
The grief part has to do with changes here, including Sheri leaving, Michael having died (not that we were the closest of friends, but friends nonetheless), our friend from Canada, Gail, not being here, Helen and John planning to move away, but most significantly and most meaningfully, I’m grieving leaving Sherabling, as I realized this morning. Our time there this round was unusually profound for both Nancy and me, and the simple truth is that being here doesn’t compare. A let down. A loss of enthusiasm for Thailand, at the moment anyway. An uncertainty about how these feelings may resolve themselves. Part of me is wondering about the value to me of the next 2 1/2 months here. The unexpected.
I don’t want to draw any conclusions just yet about our time here, or future visits, or anything much. Surprises are always around the corner, and we have no way of knowing what’s in store. Isn’t that part of the appeal? I’m just naming my experience of the moment so as to keep it all real, and to remove potential obstructions to the free flow and awareness of the grace that continues to be ever present.
My story line? Yours?
All suspect in samsara;
let it go, find joy
